"You see that," the gravely voice thunders, "there's nobody here as fat as you. Nobody else's stomach is as big, nobody's arms swing like yours. Nobody else has to modify the steps like you do. Nobody sweats like you do."

"Tighten those ABs," I hear from the front of the room. "She's talking to you," he laughs. The voice hurts inside my head.

My face falls. My steps slow. My shoulders slump. Maybe I don't belong here.....

"You're doing great. You belong here as much as anyone else, and all that matters is that you feel the accomplishment of doing, and the gift that you're giving yourself." The second voice is soft, soothing, quiet. "You've never let anything stop you from doing what you wanted to do....don't start now." My heart quiets, assured.

A minute later, the first voice comes again, "You should just give up  and go home. Leave the dancing to the pretty people." I recognize this voice now. It's the adversary, The one who gave up his right to have a body, any body. The one who would kill for mine, as imperfect as it is.

My heart lifts a little. My determination solidifies. And I dance on.....

How I Feel....

Deep breath.....

It's scary putting stuff out there, but every time I go to Zumba I feel this push to create a blog about my experiences....I can only take so many zings by whatever angel with a cattle prod is assigned to me right now. I've decided to go ahead and do it, even if it is scary.

Shakin' my stuff and sweatin' and feeling like I might die....and I LOVE IT.

I know you've seen this kicking around Facebook or somewhere else on social media....

You've laughed....maybe felt that way, too.
I just gotta say it though....this blog post is my declaration.

All that matters, is what I FEEL like when I do Zumba....and YES, when the young skinny girls try to subtly (or NOT) stare and try and figure out what this 370 lb middle aged woman is doing in class with them, I feel a little insecure for about 2 seconds. But then I remind myself that they most likely couldn't do what I'm doing....I am STRONG. I'm strong to get up and go even though everything hurts and I feel uncoordinated and I'm morbidly obese, and everybody else is cute and bouncy and in matchy matchy workout gear. I'm strong to TRY. I'm strong to keep showing up.

And lets just face it....for sixty minutes, if I'm doing it right and not letting anybody else get in my head...for that sixty minutes I AM A GODDESS. There, I said it. if I just let the music sink into my head and heart and move my body, I feel beautiful and sexy and awesome. And after I stumble out the door on jello knees, I feel awesome because I did it one more time. And every time I do it, I get stronger. Doing what I love, no matter what, makes me stronger, mentally and physically, one workout at a time.

So next time you're thinking about going to Zumba, or Dance Fitness, or any other workout class, remember that THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS is how it makes you feel inside, and NOT what's going on around you.

So go on, girl....go ahead and shake that thang!